Minor Set Back and final dates

3 Steps forward, and one step back.

That's about where I am right now. It seems I have a slight infection in my incision, which while not earth shattering or dangerous will probably set back my total recovery time for an extra week or two. The pain right now I'd put at about a level 2 or 3 (out of 10) most of the time, with an occasional bump up to a 6 or a 7 when I whap something... or it just decides to go poof, hurt now!! (the nerves are slowly rebuilding and reconnecting themselves, so I get twitchy sometimes, and it isn't comfortable when it does)

But with everything healing and happening now. (and the fact that it hurts to walk long distances right now since I still "bounce" a little). I have set a date to start my diet as September 1st. I like that date, it's a nice round number (hehe yeah I know) but it's a great starting point and someplace I can say HERE WAS WHERE I BEGAN!!

It has a nice ring to it... my new life begins on September 1st. so come that Thursday morning, I'll log into Dukan's website and enter my information and get my "true goal weight" and how long it should take me to get there! I'll also put that info into my Sparkpeople.com page and set up my tracker ticker tape and everything... it'll be awesome! and now I can't wait for September!!

Review: How to Be a Pin Up Model

I don't know about some of you, but I've never had the knack for being a girly-girl. It's not that I don't want to look pretty or look my best. It's that I've always been sort of clueless about HOW to make that happen.

I always used to envy those girls who just seemed to "get" it. You'd spend 50 minutes grunting and groaning and sweating like a football player during your freshman gym class, and "those" girls would emerge without a hair out of place, makeup flawless. It's ridiculous.

Point is...I'm pushing 30 and, while I've KIND of mastered the makeup thing (I'm a "less is more" kind of girl), I basically throw my hair in a pony tail every day because trying to get it to do something cool is pretty much hopeless. SO...can't master a modern hairdo...how in the HELL am I supposed to transform myself into a pin up girl, with all those complicated hairstyles and that extremely glamorous makeup?

This is the answer. I bought this movie on a lark. I figured it might be interesting. And it was.

It's divided up into three parts: hair, makeup, and modeling. I'm not interested in the last part--at least, not at this point. But the hair and makeup was a lifesaver. You want to know the secret to getting a great cat-eye? How about the art of pasting on fake eyelashes? Did you know that there's a reason your hair always goes flat with curling irons and hot rollers??

It's not an extremely long movie, but it's concise and to-the-point. Most of all, it is amazingly inspirational, and a great guide to those who are as lost and hopeless as me in the girly-girl department!

Step one down.... so many more to go!



Hellz Yeah!!

      OMG yeah.... Look at that Picture. That's me, looking NORMAL!

   I'm now 12 days Post operative. That's 12 days since I lost about 7 lbs of breast. Let me repeat that.... 7 pounds of BOOB! Gone... no more... bye bye.... see ya.

   Wow is there a difference. Already, the little ruts on my shoulder are starting to go away, my arms aren't going numb on a regular basis they way they were before. I haven't had a backache, or a major neckache since the surgery (I will cop to a couple of mornings of stiff neck, but that's more from sleeping on my back and slipping partway off the pillows while sleeping)

    I will also fess up. I'm still sore and bruised and occasionally freak out about the fact that there is less than half the boobs there was before. But it's a whole lot more of happy feelings than negative ones. And the negatives is mostly the pain talking.

    I have gone from a figurative N cup to a D cup. Lets put that in perspective I lost 10 inches of breast. 10 inches! that's almost a foot! (how scary is that, my breasts were just that damn big).... don't believe me... how about some side by side photos!



12 hours Pre Operative



12 Days Post Op, same shirt

 
Yeah, Check that out. In the first picture my breasts are past my elbows, now.... not at all! Heck yeah this rocks right now.



    I have now made it to the land of happy bra-dom. I can now walk into a Walmart or Target or... well, not quite a Victoria's Secret (I have the cup size, but need to loose like 8 inches for the band sizes). But now at least it's in the realm of possiblities. Hell it could happen.

     But I can't lose perspective right now. I still need to lose a lot of weight, but now it will be easier. I can walk and move around a whole lot better. So now I can start excercising better.

    Or rather I will, once I get the OK. At this point I still have stiches in, and it still hurts to move, and I still have swelling to deal with. Even with all of that, though, I am really happy where I am right now. Now I just need to heal. And learn to deal with the ugly incision marks, although eventually those can and should fade to the point I wouldn't notice them. But that's all still a ways off. I'll just be happy when the 6 weeks are up and I can go back to normal living (that should be about the time I get the OK to go back to my regularly scheduled activities. 4 weeks from Tuesday. And I'll be there!



12 Hours Pre Op



12 Days Post Op

  I love being able to look at these pictures... Look at how far apart they are. It still amazes me. I look and I still don't believe it. Then I look at the First picture, that one at the top, and the only though I have
HELLZ YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Entering...the Twilight Zone... *do do do do...do do do do...*

So I did this crazy thing tonight. I joined the gym...

When I went to the psychiatrist, she had some little tips for me as far as eating and exercising went. She suggested that I first and foremost eliminate all the junk food from my house. "But what if I have a craving for something?" I whined. "How do I stop myself from going out to the store and getting what I'm craving?"

She told me that I didn't. She said that the key was to not have the crap IN MY HOUSE. She said that if and when I'm craving something "bad" for me, I go to the store (if I can muster the energy) and I get the smallest size possible of whatever it is (can anyone say "fun size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos???) and eat that BEFORE I go home. That's how I'm supposed to deal with cravings. She said that (1) this will allow me to never feel deprived...if I want something...I can have it...nothing is off limits (2) I'll have to REALLY want something to make the effort to leave my house and go to the store just for the itty bitty "fun" size of whatever it is I'm craving. (This doc just seemed to intuitively know how my lazy self works...)

So far I'm going in the right direction with this. This week I've had absolutely NO fast food. (Uh...I'm not going to count the pizza I ordered from Pizza Hut...not counting that...ok...that was bad of me...BUT...I only ordered ONE pizza to eat over the course of the week instead of my normal two! I'm making reductions!!) I have no junk food in my house (I ate the last of the Reeses Pieces I had stashed in my underwear drawer last Monday...), and when I went to Subway and wanted a chocolate chip cookie, I only got three of them (OK...I know the goal is to only get ONE...and I'm getting there. Seriously. I used to get a dozen at a time...no joke...)

So as far as food is concerned, I'm making progress. At the end of May, I was 302 lbs. No lie. This morning I weighed in at 289. Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

So...I'm making strides in the food department. Today I decided to bite the bullet and implement the second half of my shrink's advice.

She suggested that I make it a habit to go to the gym everyday. "But what if I want to work out outside? What if I don't FEEL like working out that day?" This woman had answers.

She suggested that I pick a time--relatively the same time--every day and set an appointment for myself. This is the time that I designate for the gym. She said that I GO to the gym each and every day at that designated time. She said if I get there and feel like sitting on my butt in the lobby, no problem. The point is, I'm developing the habit of going to the gym on a regular basis. Her theory was that 9 times out of 10, once I GET to the gym, even if I didn't initally feel like working out, I'll probably convince myself to do SOMETHING by the time I get there. (Boy does this lady have my number...that's EXACTLY how I tend to roll...) And she stressed that if I get there and I seriously don't want to do anything, I can allow myself to do that...that's permitted. The objective is just to GO.

So I did that tonight. I polished off four (instead of eight) pieces of my naughty pizza) and felt a little sleepy. Honestly...was tempted to take a nap. But, I set my DVR to record MTV's "True Life" (didn't want to miss the "I'm a sugar baby" episode!!) and went to the gym. Once there...I signed myself up. With my employee discount and with incentive my insurance company gives (if you go 12 times a month they give you $20 back...) my montly gym membership comes to $2.81. Yes. You saw that correctly. $2.81.

Seriously. There's absolutly NO excuse for me not to do this. This is cheaper than a large order of McDonald's french fries...and I have a DVR at home so I will NOT miss out on my favorite shows...No excuse whatsoever.

I took my shrink's advice. I didn't really feel like working out tonight...it was a big enough step for me to just GO and get signed up. So all I did was walk around the facility and search out the sauna (disappointment: there's no designated semi-private sauna just for women...you'd have creeper guys watching you in it...so I probably won't be using that much...very sad...).

But I'm damn proud of myself. I'm on my way to a new and healthier life...each tiny little step, each smidgen of progress is a big fat deal (no pun intended)!

30 Hours and Counting.... plus Dukan

30 hours to go till my life changes.

In 30 hours I will be sitting in a surgical center waiting for a double reduction mammaplasty. A fancy way of saying my breasts will be getting smaller.

I am scared and nervous and excited and happy! I want to cry and I want to shout for joy... pretty much at the same time. I can't wait to see what I look like, and how much I weight will I lose, and how small will I really be.

I want to be able to walk into a normal store and buy a normal sized bra. I can't wait to try it!


On another note:

A certain someone keeps asking me what the Dukan diet is all about. I'm going to give a basic explanation, these directions are not meant to replace the book (DISCLAIMER). And if you're really interested and it sounds like something for you please please actually get the book and read it. The book is only about 250 pages, and that includes the recipes. It's a pretty easy read.

OK so here it goes...

The Dukan Diet consists of 4 phases, The Attack Phase, The Cruise Phase, The Cconsolidation Phase and the Stabilization Phase. It is a "diet" that you pretty much follow for the rest of your life. However, you start out strict, but by the time the Stabilization phase comes around you can pretty much eat whatever you want.

The Attack Phase-
   The Pure Protein Diet - expect to lose 1-2 lbs PER DAY!
   Lasts for 1-10 days, depending on how much weight overall you are looking to lose (usually between 4 and 7 days for most people)
   Your diet consists of pure LEAN PROTEIN (Lean meats, Organ meats, Fish, Shellfish, Poultry {except water fowl}, low fat Ham {minus the rind, smoke turkey and chicken}, Eggs, vegetable proteins {certain types of soy}, Non-fat Dairy Products). You also need to add in 1.5 Quarts of Water per day and 1.5 tablespoons of Oat Bran.
    You can eat as often as you like, as much as you like.
     Don't Skip Meals.
     Drink when you eat.
     You must walk for 20 minutes per day (and walking in the house counts!)
     Anything not on the list is strictly forbidden, this means carbs, fat, fruits and vegetables (if you are worried about vitamins and minerals you can take a multi-vitamin)
     And this is unlimited so you can have as much of the approved foods as you want!

The Cruise Phase-
     The Alternating Protein Diet. Expect to lose 1-2lbs per week.
     Everything that was allowed in the Attack phase is still allowed, with unlimited quantity.
     You will begin to alternate days of Pure Protein (the attack phase) with days of Proteins and Approved Vegetables.
      Those vegetables that are allowed, are NOT restricted in quantity or combination, raw or cooked.
       Vegetables that are forbidden: potatoes, corn, fresh or dried peas, beans and lentils, Avocado (really it's a super fatty fruit, but some people consider it a vegetable anyway)
      No Grains allowed (Rice, quinoa, barley, wheat berries, millet, etc)
      (included in the book are several recipes for dressings and marinades that are super super low fat or non-fat that are allowed)
      Oat Bran is increased to 2 tablespoons per day
       Exercise is increased to 30 minutes of walking per day (at any plateau, increase to 60 minutes)
       Follow this Phase for as long as it takes you to reach your "TRUE WEIGHT" (for more info on that check out Dukan's official website with the True Weight Calculator)
     
The Consolidation Phase
     The Transition Diet. You won't be losing weight, instead, you will maintain the weight loss you have already achieved.
      This diet lasts for 5 days for every pound you have lost (the idea is to get you body "used" to it's new weight so it doesn't try to hoard calories as much, see book for better explanation)
      First- Split your transition days in half (if you lost 40lbs, that's 200 days or a little over 6 months, so the first half is 100 days)
      You can have:
          All the Proteins from Attack phase.
          All the Vegetables from Cruise Phase.
          1 serving of fresh fruit per day (except bananas, grapes or cherries)
          2 slices pf 100% Whole Grain Bread per day
          1.5 oz of cheese per day
          2 Servings of Starchy food per week (for the first half of the phase only 1, second half 2)
          Lamb, roast Pork and ham, once or twice a week (depending on what half you're in)

Also:
    2 Celebration Meals per Week (basically any foods you choose BUT NO BINGEING.) 1 Celebration Meal per week for the 1st half of the phase, then up to 2 the second. And NO BACK TO BACK meals.

And Absolutely and without fail: 1 day of Pure Proteins (attack phase rules) per week, the SAME DAY every week.

The Stabilization Phase-
      Welcome to the rest of your life (but in a good way, in a totally new body!!). You should be maintaining your True Weight without dietary restrictions except for 1 day per week.
      Eat normally 6 days out of 7.
      That one day of the week is Protein Thursday (or whichever day works for best for you, provided it's the SAME DAY EVERY WEEK).
      Protein Thursday is a pure protein day, however! you will add in more water, 2 quarts. But certain of the meats have been changed (the idea is to get the absolute leanest meats, so some that were normally allowed in attack and cruise phase are out because they still have too much fat.)
     Eat 3 Tablespoons of Oat Bran a day.
     Never take escalators or elevators (unless it's more than 5 flights up, in which case walk the first 5, then relax the rest)

What that really boils down too, is once you do all the hard work to get down to your true weight it's only really 3 simple things (or rules) that allow you to maintain your weight loss over time.
1. Protein Thursdays
2. 3 tablespoons of Oat Bran a day (oh and there is a delicious recipe for a non-fat Oat Bran Galette, basically a pancake of sorts, that works as bread for a sandwich or a breakfast treat)
3. No escalators or elevators.

There are also further chapters dealing with things like major obesity, menopause, losing while quiting smoking, what to do if you hit a plateau... that sort of thing.

My plan is that as soon as I get the OK from the Doctor that I can start it (probably a month) then I will be kicking butt on the Dukan Diet!

    

Broken

So today was kind of a crummy day for me. My guy and I broke up. It was a long distance relationship and he seemed to think we were wasting our time.

So I'm kinda heartbroken right now. As in, a lot. A small part of me is glad that this happened before I wasted even MORE time loving someone who didn't love me back enough...but mostly I feel like this just bites the big one.

Normally, I'd stuff myself to oblivion at a time like this to try to "numb" the pain. I had to go to the grocery store tonight to pick up food for my cat. And I walked out of there with only a pack of gum for "me."

I was damn proud of myself, let me tell you.

It seems like every time life has handed me lemons I cope by eating...thereby getting fatter, and getting just more and more depressed. I don't want to cope with this heartache that way, though. I HAVE learned that drugging myself with food only leads to MORE heartache in the end...so tempted as I am to do it again...I have to resist.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that I have some sort of food addiction eating disorder, and pandering to that at a time like this is absoulutely the wrong move--my gut instinct is SURE of that. I need to find some OTHER way to numb the pain this time. Some healthy, CONSTRUCTIVE way to cope.

Exercise kind of seems like the logical choice.

Cuz, see...as heartbroken as I am...there are other fish in the sea. I know that in my brain. Right now, my heart isn't so convinced of it...but my brain is telling me to give it time, and my heart will catch up. And when it does, I want to be ready. I want to feel absolutely kick-ass about myself. I want to feel the best I've ever felt, and look the best I've ever looked. And I want to be able to hold my head up with pride knowing that I got over THIS without drugging myself with food.

I will not break.

Shrink

I went to a psychiatrist on Monday for the first time in my life. It wasn’t a pleasant experience by any means, but I think I had a little bit of a breakthrough.

Some background: I’m a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I did one tour in Iraq during 2003-2004. I was a fueler for a heavy equipment unit (that operated things like dozers, scrapers, road graders, etc), so basically I drove around a gigantic fuel truck (aka the “Bomb on Wheels”) for the year that I was over there. I was fortunate and didn’t actually have to kill anyone while I was over there, but I had a couple of near-death experiences. It was a stressful time in my life, to say the least.

After I got home, I had a hard time adjusting, and finally, after a few years of crying every day for no reason, gaining a huge amount of weight, not being motivated to go to class (or to do anything other than pretty much sit in front of the tv), being antisocial, sleeping large chunks of the day away, etc, etc, my mom convinced me to go see a counselor. The counselor referred me to a nurse practitioner who said I had post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety.

So they drugged me up. And it made things a little better. For a while.

Then the medicine I was on stopped working. And I spiraled back to the deep, dark hole I was trying to escape from. I tried a different place. I saw a psychologist. All she did was talk about herself. Stopped going there almost immediately. So then I tried the VA. I’m not going to get into this except to state that it was an unpleasant experience, and was NOT helpful.

Fast forward to April of 2010. I was just kind of “existing.” I was KIND of managing life…but not really. And I definitely wasn’t LIVING life. So I went in to a plain old family practice physician’s assistant and told her that I wanted to get this fixed. I told her that if we could find a medication to take away the nightmares, the depression, I would be willing to be on that for the rest of my life if need be…but I couldn’t go on living my life the way it was—in the deep, dark hole.

That physician’s assistant was awesome. She recommended a medication called effexor that has really turned my life around. Before, I had been functioning at about 10%. Maybe. Today, a year later, I’d say I’m probably functioning at about 70%. This is awesome, but for me, it’s not good enough. I want to be functioning at 100%.

So I went in to see a psychiatrist on Monday. I started a job and moved to a different city this past year, so that physician’s assistant isn’t available anymore to manage my effexor. The doc I saw for my annual physical didn’t feel comfortable managing effexor because she wasn’t very familiar with it (and it’s an antidepressant that’s actually addicting…so managing it well is important…), so she recommended I get established with a psychiatrist.

I was pretty nervous about going, to be honest. I actually procrastinated several months before making the appointment. What can I say? It’s not always really fun sharing some extremely personal details of your life with a stranger. But I’m to the point where I want to be ME again, and I’m willing to go through a little bit of pain to make that happen if need be.

I ended up being super impressed with the psychiatrist. She explained to me that there are three different categories of antidepressants. Each of those categories of antidepressant treats a different part of the brain. She said that people who suffer from depression frequently need more than one medication, (from the different categories) to bring them up to 100%. The effexor that has been helping me falls into one of those categories. But since I’m still not totally up to snuff, she said she thought I would benefit from trying one in another category in addition to continuing with my effexor. I’m game for that.

We talked a lot about my weight issues as well in this session. The new antidepressant the shrink prescribed for me is supposed to help reduce appetite. She said that a lot of my weight issues are a result of the depression, and if we can get that depression to go in to remission, those issues should disappear. But we also talked about how I’ve had certain eating issues since childhood. Those aren’t likely to resolve themselves with medication. I’m going to have to do therapy to get rid of those. So I’ve agreed to be referred to therapy.

What kind of therapy? I don’t know yet. The psychiatrist was going to find out what’s available in my neck of the woods, and someone will be contacting me. More than likely, though, it will be some sort of addictions therapy, because I think I have an addictive personality--I have never had a “normal” relationship with food, and I could probably benefit a lot from that type of therapy. (I used to drink a lot...but that's a story for another day...)

I need to learn how to eat to live, not live to eat. It's going to be an uphill battle I think. Part of the big struggle here is that a person HAS to eat. I obviously just can't quit food cold turkey. So I have to develop some sort of game plan about how to change how I view food.

It's a little scary. I only really know of "one" way to eat. The comfort foods. The crap. The thought of having vegetables be the main course for a meal just seems...wrong. And uncomfortable. It goes against everything I "know."

Clearly the first step is reprogramming my brain. So bring on the shrink!