It really is working!

I am now 11.2lbs down from September 1st... 11.2 POUNDS........ I want to shout it to the rooftop. I can't believe how excited I am. How giddy and crazy happy. I really feel like this is going to work. Thank GOD it is going to work. That number represents more than 10% of the weight I intend to lose. My goal is to lose 106 pounds total. I would like to be 180 lbs.

It wasn't so long ago that I was scared and full of despair. I honestly believe that this is going to be my last true chance to lose weight and really lose it. I'm still relatively healthy. If I were to remain at my current weight, I don't think that would be true or possible! Already I'm having joint pain, especially in my knees. How much longer until Diabetes begins to rear it's ugly head? I have a much higher chance of having the disease, my father has it, his grandmother DIED from it. I don't want that to be me. I won't let it be me. At the same time I look at my mom and grandma, and I see the ravaging effects of arthritis. If I don't lose this weight now, before I'm 30, before my joints start to deteriorate, I could be like them. I don't want that, not for me and not for my baby! Eventually I'd like to have another baby someday, but I want to be healthy before I get pregnant, maybe that way it won't be as hard on my body. (I doubt it) Perhaps though, I'll do better afterward as well!

But enough doom and gloom! The numbers don't lie. I now weight 11.2 lbs less than I did 1 week ago. I couldn't be happier right now. I am well on my way to my goal. And I can see it just getting better and better from here on out!

At the same time, I have to keep this in the back of my mind, this diet is hard. The want to have something I shouldn't have right now is almost overwhelming at times, but I keep this mantra in running though my head.

 "It'll taste better a year from now at one of my Celebration Meals after I lose the weight!"

I just need to "give up" this one year of my life to be able to be in a place where I can enjoy times out with friends, and feel good about my self, and get myself to the point where my body doesn't hurt on a regular basis, where my weight and my breast size doesn't control me!

A few years back a group of my friends went with me to Dorney Park. We girls all had a total blast! But it was awkward on a few rides because of the chest bars getting in the way, a few times I had to sit in the Extra Wide seats. Next year, I think I'm going to get the girls together again, and we'll go again! And this time I won't have to mash my boobs through the bars to ride the rides I really LOVE! It would be a victory in my mind! And it will be all the sweeter because I will have acheived it in my own time and in conquoring the doubts in my mind. I CAN do this. I know I can.

And the results on my scale are telling me that I'm well on my way!

I'm Lovin' It

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing a lot of internal searching though, and I think I might be on the verge of finding some answers.

I’ve been seeing a therapist about my eating issues, and we’ve really been focusing on changing my “all or nothing” mindset. This is probably my Achilles heel. I’ve always been that person who gives 110% when it comes to some goal of mine…and then if I trip up or have a set-back, I figure that I’ll never reach that goal anyway…so I just give up.

Since I’m an imperfect human and am bound to screw up eventually, this mindset has obviously not worked for me.

Since one of my BIGGEST goals is to learn how to eat like a normal person (who does not obsess over food 16 waking hours of the day, who eats what’s good for her body 90% of the time and eats what isn’t—guilt free—the other 10%), I need to let go of this idea that there ARE screw ups.

This is a novel concept for me. I mean, yeah, we’ve all HEARD that it’s OK to treat yourself once in a while, and if we have a binge-fest we should just get right back on the horse that bucked us off, etc, etc, etc…but think about it: No matter what I eat, no matter how much I eat, I have not failed.

Seriously. Wrap your mind around that. There ARE no failures when it comes to food.

I’m finding that the more I focus on this—that there’s no possible way for me to fail, because “normal” eaters do not view eating in terms of success and failure—the more this yucky, disgusting, heavy burden is falling off of my shoulders.

Consider this:

Scenario one

You’ve had a rough day at work. You’re alarm didn’t go off this morning, you were late to work, your boss yelled at you for being late, you had to deal with idiotic co-workers all day, the coffee machine broke down over-night, and, well, generally, it’s just been the day from hell.

You get off of work and feel exhausted. There’s no way you’re going to cook something when you get home. As you’re driving, you spy the Golden Arches, and instantly you feel yourself start to salivate over thoughts of those heavenly French fries.

You pull up to the drive thru menu (because you’re WAAAAY too tired to get out of your car and walk 3 feet inside) and—in the name of comforting yourself—you order your favorite burger and two large orders of the heavenly fries. Somewhere in your mind you realize that this is a 1500-2000 calorie meal (even more if your pop isn’t diet), but damn, you’ve had a bad day and you just don’t give a rat’s ass right now. You pay for your meal, grab the bag and pull over somewhere to eat in the car so that those waiting at home don’t realize you’re having a pig-out fest.

As you lick your fingers after the last bite of burger and last heavenly fry is demolished, reality starts to set in. That calorie number you pushed aside earlier rears its gigantic head to mock you now. Suddenly you’re feeling self-conscious at the cars whizzing by you on the street. Can the drivers guess what you’re doing? You feel horrible about yourself. You failed by eating the food society says chubby people like you should never eat. You roll down your window and dump your trash in the street (waiting until there’s no cars in sight to witness this very un-pc gesture or—even worse—what restaurant the trash came from) so that no one who knows you can ever find the evidence and drive away.

Now, not only have you totally screwed up by porking out on a humongous load of salt and fat, but you also are one of those creepy litterbugs. You feel like absolute crap.

So, knowing that you only have a house full of “healthy” food, you swing in to the nearest super market and load up on cookies and chips and whatever else is going to “make you feel better.” You ignore the little bell of alarm that goes off in your head when the grocery bill comes to an obscene amount of money—you’ll just put it on your credit card and pay it off later.

You get home, shut yourself in your room, turn the tv on, and chow down.

Afterwards, as you stare at the empty packages, bags, and wrappers, you realize you have absolutely no discipline or self-control, you’re never going to succeed at your goals to lose weight and become a healthier person, your broke, in debt, and a litterbug…so you pull your self-pity a little bit closer to you and wait for the cycle to continue tomorrow.

Scenario two

You’ve had a rough day at work. You’re alarm didn’t go off this morning, you were late to work, your boss yelled at you for being late, you had to deal with idiotic co-workers all day, the coffee machine broke down over-night, and, well, generally, it’s just been the day from hell.

You get off of work and feel exhausted. There’s no way you’re going to cook something when you get home. As you’re driving, you spy the Golden Arches, and instantly you feel yourself start to salivate over thoughts of those heavenly French fries.

You pull up to the drive thru menu (because you’re WAAAAY too tired to get out of your car and walk 3 feet inside) and consider your options. You could have a buffalo chicken salad (spicy chicken sure sounds good), but you can’t quite get the thought of those heavenly fries out of your brain. So you order them. And your favorite burger to go along with them—it’s been a long time since you had your favorite burger. This is more than enough for supper.

You drive home and park your car and sit down at your dining room table with your bag of food. It looks good, it smells good, and you take your time eating it. Your spouse or kid or roommate walks into the dining room and sees your meal. You offer them some of your burger and fries, because you’re starting to get a little full.

After you’re done, you wad up your trash and put it in the garbage can where it belongs and you don’t give the meal another thought. You open the fridge and pull out some fruit and vegetables to prepare for tomorrow—along with a buffalo chicken salad.

So. Of the two scenarios, which one sounds more appealing? Which one sounds more sane?

McDonald’s happens. Doritos happen. Cookies happen. They’re a part of our culture and as such, you would pretty much have to be a hermit who doesn’t own a tv or radio or any sort of magazines to never be exposed to these “temptations” ever again.

So you’re left with two choices when the inevitable happens. You can indulge and then wallow in guilt and a sense of failure and doom, or you can indulge, guilt-free, enjoy it and move on.

I mean, really? Does it even SEEM like a “choice?”

I plan to delve a little deeper into these two scenarios tomorrow—do the old compare and contrast—so tune in!

I can't believe, but It's true

I was going to post yesterday. Since it was day one of my new diet, but by the end of the night, just before I went to bed, I was so stunned by the results that I literally couldn't believe it! So I decided that if I weighed in today and got the same results then I would post, because then I could believe it.

I believe!!!

I believe that I am now 2.6 lbs lighter than I was before. Yeah, that's right. 2.6 lbs gone in 2 days. Now, I can and will accept that at least 1.5 lbs of that is excess water weight. but that's still leaving 1.1lbs removed via my diet.

Even more than that, I'm proud of myself. I spent today, pretty much the entire day, being tempted. and Boy oh boy do I mean tempted. We were at an event for hubby's unit. and they basically gave us a giant cookout. There were hotdogs, and cheeseburgers with the fixings, fritos and doritos and chocolate chip cookies and Pretzel factory soft pretzels. And I still did not give in. I stuck to it... and I was rewarded with that last .6 lbs, gone today!! I am so happy about that!! It literally feels like a Victory right now. It might be a small one.... but I proved 2 things to myself. I'm doing this, and it's working.... and I'll make it through the temptations and come out on the otherside. If I could do it today? I can do it tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that!!! So now I'm 2 days closer to my goal; 180lbs by the end of July, next year!!! I can totally do this!

One Week to Go, The countdown begins

Well, I have one week to go till day one of my new diet and hopefully a brand new life! I'm starting to stock up on those food that I'll be eating once my diet starts, and I'm starting to makes shopping lists of the foods I'll need regularly (I'm very good at that sort of thing).

I'm really excited. For once going into something like this I feel like I have support! Real Support... and that maybe this time, I'll actually succeed!

Hugs everyone, and I can't wait to report back next week with my starting weight. And I think for the first week a daily update of how much weight I've lost!

Healing... finally and a little bit of fear.

All good things take time apparently.

Healing is one of those things. As of now, the wound is finally starting to close, it's still going to take a few more weeks, but as of now you can actually see where it's starting to grow back skin. and the wound is visually smaller as well.

I am so thankful.

I haven't started to my diet yet (I wanted to get the healing  happening first). And I'm still looking to make that happen for September 1st.

In the meantime though, my dear sweet hubby lugged my old stationary bike up to our bedroom (we have room up there, and I can watch TV and pedal at the same time.)

Somethings are as easy as riding a bike... some are not. Since my surgery I hadn't actually gone for a long walk. To be honest about it I was afraid to. The first few weeks I was in so much pain that walking for 2 or 3 miles just couldn't happen. But then there was this little voice in the back of my head telling me that it's been so long since I had really walked, I wouldn't be able to. That fear has kept me from really walking and going out. Why I have this fear I don't know. Maybe a bigger part was that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to finish, and if that happened I'd be stuck.

Well, the day before yesterday that fear has been conquered! Thanks to my dear sweet friend, Tigerlady! She came to visit and walked with me (it felt good knowing that if I got stuck she could rescue me!) So we did it! 2.15 miles (round-trip) to the park and back with the baby. Done in 40 minutes! (with a break in between since the baby wanted to play on the playground). The only problem I had was with the last half a block.... the hill we live on is so steep, but I still did it! I did notice that I had slightly more trouble breathing than I normally do. But it wasn't to totally bad, I made it, and I'm not afraid of the walk anymore!

Frustration and regrets.... almost

   The past week has been the most frustrating I've had in a long long....LONG time. The healing process has come to almost a standstill and it's NOT good.

    I currently am fighting an infection in the incision on my right breast. It is NASTY. Weepy, pussing, bleeding and crusty are all appropriate adjectives. And I could cry.

    What did I get myself into? The thoughts keep running in my mind, how bad is this going to scar now? My left side is doing pretty darn well, I no longer need any sort of bandages and only need to apply some cocoa butter and lotion daily to minimize scaring.

     What I see on my right scares me, the area affected is as big as my hand. It runs the length of the incision and at it's widest part is probably about 5 inches of affected area. What basically happened was that there was the incision was already compromised, but to prevent the body from closing up around the non-absorba stitches he had to remove them, since then the incision has pulled apart.

     So now I'm back on restrictions. I'm not supposed to be reaching above my head (I wish) or lifting my daughter or anything other than sitting, and resting and sleeping and healing. But this is the real world.

    The whole thing scares me, I mean there has been no visible difference in the past 2 weeks. And I keep wondering, how long is this going to take? How long till I can get back to normal? It is so frustrating! Did I go through all of this to spend the next how many weeks attempting to stave off infection? only to be left with some huge disfiguring scar? God I hope not.

    And I am so worried that I will.

A Mad Dog Is a Bad Dog

As I previously mentioned, my goal is to just make it a habit of GOING to the gym every night (I'm starting out slow, with 3 nights a week...but I eventually want to make it up to 5+...btw…haven’t decided yet what to do about weekends since various plans make weekends hard to stick to a set “appointment”) at around 7:30. DVR is set, shoes are ready by the door, water bottle is full of icy cold goodness…and it’s off to the races!

So…step one of getting out the door and dragging my butt TO the gym is in progress. What about step two, though? What do I do when I actually GET to the gym?

Assuming we’re talking about a night where I DON’T sit on my behind in the lobby and actually opt to DO something…I’ve given this a lot of thought. In the past, I’ve always had this mind-set that I have to work out very intensely for a very lengthy period of time in order to see any results. This is probably true to some extent. I’m a firm believer that if you don’t push your body, you’re kind of cheating yourself. I do NOT see how a person can get their backside in shape without breaking a sweat. But that’s a post for another day. The point of TODAY’S post is that I’ve had an epiphany.

The problem with pushing one’s self like a crazy berserker is burn out. Every time—EVERY TIME—I’ve vowed to get off my patootie and get into shape, I’ve attacked the exercise portion of things like a rabid dog. Gazillions of laps around the track. Hours on the boring-as-hell elliptical machine. Gallons and gallons of sweat lost. Pretty soon the self righteous pride I feel for pushing myself so hard turns into this icky dread of having to torture my body like that during the next workout. You see, the teeny tiny bit of progress (aka stepping on the scale buck naked, with an empty bladder, AFTER I’ve spent three hours sweating like a pig at Ribfest) I see between rabid dog phase and burn out phase is NOT enough to keep the momentum going. The fact that I’ve gone all sadistic on my body and cannot INSTANTLY get fit pisses me off and I get frustrated and run to the nearest available store that carries Crunchy Cheetos.

So, I’m trying something different this time around as far as exercise routines go. As much as it feels WRONG to do this, I’ve told myself that it’s OK to go to the gym and only “torture” my body for a half hour. Right now the focus need not be on getting insta-skinny but on building a habit of consistently working out. We’ve all heard this truth millions and millions of times—that we need to start off slow and build a habit that we can sustain for life in order to beat the battle of the bulge. I’ve always thought that was nonsense.

But the thing is, what I HAVE been doing (rabid dog) hasn’t worked for me. So I’m going to start slow. This week it’s going to be 30 minutes. Next week it’s going to be 31 minutes. The week after that it’s going to be 32 minutes. And so on and so forth. If I do 31 minutes on the torturous elliptical machine and STILL feel like doing something else (like walking)…I can. No problem. But I don’t HAVE to. ALL I HAVE to do right now is be consistent with going to the gym. All I HAVE to do when I choose to work out is 30 or 31 or 32 etc. minutes. Everything else is optional at this point.

The goal is to work myself up to an hour a day. (Eventually I’d like to start lifting weights too, but I’m going to let that be a little ways down the road for now.) At an hour a day of consistent exercise, with consistent good eating habits, I will be rocking the weight loss. And I’ll get there. It’s hard for me to not rush ahead and try to be “there” right now…but I just keep reminding myself of what HASN’T worked in the past. And I’m reminding myself that the ultimate goal is to make this whole thing a habit, a lifestyle change. Pin up girls take care of their bodies on a consistent basis. And while it seems insane to be going too “easy” on myself, I need to remember that ANY sort of consistent exercise is WAY more than I HAVE been doing…and it IS going to benefit me and my body in great ways!