It really is working!

I am now 11.2lbs down from September 1st... 11.2 POUNDS........ I want to shout it to the rooftop. I can't believe how excited I am. How giddy and crazy happy. I really feel like this is going to work. Thank GOD it is going to work. That number represents more than 10% of the weight I intend to lose. My goal is to lose 106 pounds total. I would like to be 180 lbs.

It wasn't so long ago that I was scared and full of despair. I honestly believe that this is going to be my last true chance to lose weight and really lose it. I'm still relatively healthy. If I were to remain at my current weight, I don't think that would be true or possible! Already I'm having joint pain, especially in my knees. How much longer until Diabetes begins to rear it's ugly head? I have a much higher chance of having the disease, my father has it, his grandmother DIED from it. I don't want that to be me. I won't let it be me. At the same time I look at my mom and grandma, and I see the ravaging effects of arthritis. If I don't lose this weight now, before I'm 30, before my joints start to deteriorate, I could be like them. I don't want that, not for me and not for my baby! Eventually I'd like to have another baby someday, but I want to be healthy before I get pregnant, maybe that way it won't be as hard on my body. (I doubt it) Perhaps though, I'll do better afterward as well!

But enough doom and gloom! The numbers don't lie. I now weight 11.2 lbs less than I did 1 week ago. I couldn't be happier right now. I am well on my way to my goal. And I can see it just getting better and better from here on out!

At the same time, I have to keep this in the back of my mind, this diet is hard. The want to have something I shouldn't have right now is almost overwhelming at times, but I keep this mantra in running though my head.

 "It'll taste better a year from now at one of my Celebration Meals after I lose the weight!"

I just need to "give up" this one year of my life to be able to be in a place where I can enjoy times out with friends, and feel good about my self, and get myself to the point where my body doesn't hurt on a regular basis, where my weight and my breast size doesn't control me!

A few years back a group of my friends went with me to Dorney Park. We girls all had a total blast! But it was awkward on a few rides because of the chest bars getting in the way, a few times I had to sit in the Extra Wide seats. Next year, I think I'm going to get the girls together again, and we'll go again! And this time I won't have to mash my boobs through the bars to ride the rides I really LOVE! It would be a victory in my mind! And it will be all the sweeter because I will have acheived it in my own time and in conquoring the doubts in my mind. I CAN do this. I know I can.

And the results on my scale are telling me that I'm well on my way!

I'm Lovin' It

So, it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing a lot of internal searching though, and I think I might be on the verge of finding some answers.

I’ve been seeing a therapist about my eating issues, and we’ve really been focusing on changing my “all or nothing” mindset. This is probably my Achilles heel. I’ve always been that person who gives 110% when it comes to some goal of mine…and then if I trip up or have a set-back, I figure that I’ll never reach that goal anyway…so I just give up.

Since I’m an imperfect human and am bound to screw up eventually, this mindset has obviously not worked for me.

Since one of my BIGGEST goals is to learn how to eat like a normal person (who does not obsess over food 16 waking hours of the day, who eats what’s good for her body 90% of the time and eats what isn’t—guilt free—the other 10%), I need to let go of this idea that there ARE screw ups.

This is a novel concept for me. I mean, yeah, we’ve all HEARD that it’s OK to treat yourself once in a while, and if we have a binge-fest we should just get right back on the horse that bucked us off, etc, etc, etc…but think about it: No matter what I eat, no matter how much I eat, I have not failed.

Seriously. Wrap your mind around that. There ARE no failures when it comes to food.

I’m finding that the more I focus on this—that there’s no possible way for me to fail, because “normal” eaters do not view eating in terms of success and failure—the more this yucky, disgusting, heavy burden is falling off of my shoulders.

Consider this:

Scenario one

You’ve had a rough day at work. You’re alarm didn’t go off this morning, you were late to work, your boss yelled at you for being late, you had to deal with idiotic co-workers all day, the coffee machine broke down over-night, and, well, generally, it’s just been the day from hell.

You get off of work and feel exhausted. There’s no way you’re going to cook something when you get home. As you’re driving, you spy the Golden Arches, and instantly you feel yourself start to salivate over thoughts of those heavenly French fries.

You pull up to the drive thru menu (because you’re WAAAAY too tired to get out of your car and walk 3 feet inside) and—in the name of comforting yourself—you order your favorite burger and two large orders of the heavenly fries. Somewhere in your mind you realize that this is a 1500-2000 calorie meal (even more if your pop isn’t diet), but damn, you’ve had a bad day and you just don’t give a rat’s ass right now. You pay for your meal, grab the bag and pull over somewhere to eat in the car so that those waiting at home don’t realize you’re having a pig-out fest.

As you lick your fingers after the last bite of burger and last heavenly fry is demolished, reality starts to set in. That calorie number you pushed aside earlier rears its gigantic head to mock you now. Suddenly you’re feeling self-conscious at the cars whizzing by you on the street. Can the drivers guess what you’re doing? You feel horrible about yourself. You failed by eating the food society says chubby people like you should never eat. You roll down your window and dump your trash in the street (waiting until there’s no cars in sight to witness this very un-pc gesture or—even worse—what restaurant the trash came from) so that no one who knows you can ever find the evidence and drive away.

Now, not only have you totally screwed up by porking out on a humongous load of salt and fat, but you also are one of those creepy litterbugs. You feel like absolute crap.

So, knowing that you only have a house full of “healthy” food, you swing in to the nearest super market and load up on cookies and chips and whatever else is going to “make you feel better.” You ignore the little bell of alarm that goes off in your head when the grocery bill comes to an obscene amount of money—you’ll just put it on your credit card and pay it off later.

You get home, shut yourself in your room, turn the tv on, and chow down.

Afterwards, as you stare at the empty packages, bags, and wrappers, you realize you have absolutely no discipline or self-control, you’re never going to succeed at your goals to lose weight and become a healthier person, your broke, in debt, and a litterbug…so you pull your self-pity a little bit closer to you and wait for the cycle to continue tomorrow.

Scenario two

You’ve had a rough day at work. You’re alarm didn’t go off this morning, you were late to work, your boss yelled at you for being late, you had to deal with idiotic co-workers all day, the coffee machine broke down over-night, and, well, generally, it’s just been the day from hell.

You get off of work and feel exhausted. There’s no way you’re going to cook something when you get home. As you’re driving, you spy the Golden Arches, and instantly you feel yourself start to salivate over thoughts of those heavenly French fries.

You pull up to the drive thru menu (because you’re WAAAAY too tired to get out of your car and walk 3 feet inside) and consider your options. You could have a buffalo chicken salad (spicy chicken sure sounds good), but you can’t quite get the thought of those heavenly fries out of your brain. So you order them. And your favorite burger to go along with them—it’s been a long time since you had your favorite burger. This is more than enough for supper.

You drive home and park your car and sit down at your dining room table with your bag of food. It looks good, it smells good, and you take your time eating it. Your spouse or kid or roommate walks into the dining room and sees your meal. You offer them some of your burger and fries, because you’re starting to get a little full.

After you’re done, you wad up your trash and put it in the garbage can where it belongs and you don’t give the meal another thought. You open the fridge and pull out some fruit and vegetables to prepare for tomorrow—along with a buffalo chicken salad.

So. Of the two scenarios, which one sounds more appealing? Which one sounds more sane?

McDonald’s happens. Doritos happen. Cookies happen. They’re a part of our culture and as such, you would pretty much have to be a hermit who doesn’t own a tv or radio or any sort of magazines to never be exposed to these “temptations” ever again.

So you’re left with two choices when the inevitable happens. You can indulge and then wallow in guilt and a sense of failure and doom, or you can indulge, guilt-free, enjoy it and move on.

I mean, really? Does it even SEEM like a “choice?”

I plan to delve a little deeper into these two scenarios tomorrow—do the old compare and contrast—so tune in!

I can't believe, but It's true

I was going to post yesterday. Since it was day one of my new diet, but by the end of the night, just before I went to bed, I was so stunned by the results that I literally couldn't believe it! So I decided that if I weighed in today and got the same results then I would post, because then I could believe it.

I believe!!!

I believe that I am now 2.6 lbs lighter than I was before. Yeah, that's right. 2.6 lbs gone in 2 days. Now, I can and will accept that at least 1.5 lbs of that is excess water weight. but that's still leaving 1.1lbs removed via my diet.

Even more than that, I'm proud of myself. I spent today, pretty much the entire day, being tempted. and Boy oh boy do I mean tempted. We were at an event for hubby's unit. and they basically gave us a giant cookout. There were hotdogs, and cheeseburgers with the fixings, fritos and doritos and chocolate chip cookies and Pretzel factory soft pretzels. And I still did not give in. I stuck to it... and I was rewarded with that last .6 lbs, gone today!! I am so happy about that!! It literally feels like a Victory right now. It might be a small one.... but I proved 2 things to myself. I'm doing this, and it's working.... and I'll make it through the temptations and come out on the otherside. If I could do it today? I can do it tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that!!! So now I'm 2 days closer to my goal; 180lbs by the end of July, next year!!! I can totally do this!