Where I am now and where I'm going....

I weight 287 pounds. That is where I am.

Where I'm going isn't quite as easy to pin down.

I hate being this overweight, and at the same time I am quite comfortable with my body. Does that even make sense? On one hand I dislike how big I am, how much I weigh and how easy it is that I am frustrated with my body. On the other hand there's that part of me just screaming to accept it, this is my life and just move on.

How does one get out of the mindset that this is where my body is and I'm stuck with it. I've been this heavy since my thyroid first went crazy (back in 2007). When I was married on St Pat's Day I weighed about 230 pounds, give or take a couple. And while I still felt big, I didn't feel ugly or gross. Not the way I do now.

Since then I've gone through a pregnancy and finally this year am too the point that my thyroid levels are back to normal, I even had blood tests just this week to confirm it!

But looking back it's fairly easy to see what went wrong and how....

   I was always overweight to begin with. When my thyroid went hyper my metabolism became very screwed up. I was up and down and up and down. And worst of all my appetite was all over the map! I could literally sit down at a Thanksgiving meal, eat 2 full plates of food and 20 minutes later my stomach would be signalling my brain "hey where's food, you're still hungry." Any sort of appetite control I had was gone. Even with it gone I was still not making the right decisions. Instead of watching what I was eating and how much, I just let everything go... and boom I put on upwards of 50 lbs on in less than a year.

Things were still out of whack when I got pregnant in 2009. Oddly though... things got better then. A lovely combination of severe morning sickness and a hyper-awareness of what I was putting in my mouth (mostly the morning sickness though) led to the loss of right around 50 pounds total. So that the week after I gave birth I actually only weight 232 lbs. I looked good though. In this picture, taken right around New Year's that year, I felt pretty good (even with the lack of sleep!) I was a size 18 for the first time since before college. And that's an 18 without the spandex or stretchy stuff!

More important though, I was learning some new and important things about me and my body.

1) I can walk! For a girl with severe asthma, who at times has been terrified of leaving the house, being able to walk 5 or 6 miles is incredible! But I can do that. I can even do that pushing a 20lb baby in a 10lb carriage.
2) I ENJOY walking.... especially if it has a purpose. I had fun walking, especially around the little town I live in. It's nice, the people are nice, the scenery is pretty. But even better is walking 3.5miles there and back again to go by the bank and then the grocery store! Or just as fun, putting in 5k (that's 10laps) at the mall with a friend that I met through Spark. It's always better when you don't feel lazy about what you're doing.
3) I've gotten pretty good at keeping track of what goes in my body. Whether it has been actually counting how many ounces of water, or measuring out cup of carrots or 3 ounces of chicken. I can and will use those scales and measuring cups. And it doesn't even take that long.
4) 3 ounces of chicken, or beef, or pork is not nearly as big as pretty much everyone seems to imagine it to be. It's usually closer to being 1.3 of a chicken breast, or about half a handful of ground beef. And wow is that important to know!
5) While I'm good at writing it down and keeping track, I'm downright awful at coming up with "balanced meals" on my own. Give me a strict diet plan, or meal plan, I'm all over that! But just throwing myself into the abyss leads me to usually go for the comfort foods (baked chicken, with stove top stuffing, mashed potatoes and a biscuit on the side... and usually some form of green veggie but in no way is it actually balanced!)

   Knowing these truths though are important. They give me the starting off place. So here it goes....

Where I am: 287 pounds, at which I'm not all that happy with, I'm comfortable here, but it's neither healthy or my ideal.

Where I'm going:
My immediate goal is to get back under 250lbs as soon as I can.
My intermediate goal is to get under 200lbs.
My final goal: I will never be 110 lbs, but I don't have to be that tiny to be happy or healthy. So rather than follow what the BMI calculators seem to think I should be at, I'd rather go for a goal that is both achievable, and maintainable.... so I'd like to eventually be between 170 and 180 lbs.

Now, goals are great. They tell you where you want to be. But it's all moot unless you have a road map to get there. (this is a journey after all) So I have a few directions or mile markers that should help me get there.

The first is to get that breast reduction done! Being able to breathe easier and hurt less will go a long way to getting myself physically fit.

Exercises at least 5 days week, even if it's only for 20 minutes a day of walking. Actually, that is really my ideal, to be walking at least 20-40 minutes a day or more.

Get on a diet regime that I can enjoy and stick with. Right now, my best chance to do this will be the Dukan diet (I've already discussed this with my Doctor and she's all for it!) So as soon as I get the go ahead post-operative, I will be starting there.

Most important of all, don't be afraid to ask for help! I have a tendency to bottle things up and get easily frustrated, or give in to something (like chocolate and Coke) without asking someone to help me out here. So I plan on using this blog as a lifeline of sorts, along with my friends to keep myself on the straight and and narrow.

If all goes well those 4 things will get me where I really need to be!